In the beginning, it was great. I thought this is what I deserved. Made the toxic behaviour feel normal. I was a 2nd-year uni student full of love and energy never having had a relationship before. He was a typical romantic who claimed to be madly in love with me. He went to any length just to see me smile. It's like I was the prize he had to win at any cost. Over time, I began to give in to the feelings of love bombing (that is, grand gestures meant to make me feel good with no real feeling behind them from him), mistaking them from true love. However, not long after the relationship began, so did the devaluation.
I was no longer the person he had to work for. He had me and all the things he fell for became a problem. I was too extroverted or too quiet. I was clingy yet never had time for him. I was possessive yet never cared if other people flirted with him. Soon I was very confused as to how I should make him happy. It felt like nothing I did was ever enough. Yet as soon as I was on the verge of giving up, he would swoop in like a knight in shining armour making me question my own reality.
The emotional abuse over time got worse, I felt like I couldn't leave but I couldn't stay either. Any time I tried to talk about his behaviour, I was scared I would trigger something worse. It started with him hitting himself, laying down bare chested in front of my car, saying if I wanted to leave I would have to drive over him. I didn't know how to escape and the worst thing was the more I accepted the behaviour the worse it got. I still remember the visual of him holding a knife against his wrist and saying that I was toxic and drove him insane. I began to believe it.
I started to think I wasn't good enough and thought I needed to be better for him. For us. It wasn't till after he left me that I saw the true picture.
I had many sessions with a psychologist, talked to my friends, and realised it was time to give myself the importance I deserved. As soon as I started focussing on myself and really understanding boundaries I felt my life get to a better place. I realised I was the happiest I had ever been in 3 years. I felt free like I was in charge of my life and didn't really have to answer to anyone. The psychologist made me fall in love with him and made me understand the meaning of true happiness. I started meditating, listening to podcasts, using quotes to guide my intention for the day and began my healing journey.
I won't lie and say it was easy, but it was definitely worth it. It allowed me to live a life I never thought possible. I know some of you reading this who have gone through something similar, may feel like it’s the end of the world. Trust me when I say this, IT IS NOT. The best thing I ever did was stop thinking about when they will come back, if they will come back, did they ever love me, do they realise my value...If you are in my shoes, I know you have searched many websites on how to get him/her back, but honestly, was your relationship truly that good? Did the thought of breaking up not occur in your mind? Do you really want someone, who only realised your worth after you left? Because each one of us deserves to be in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't need to be told how to behave. Remember, people will fall in love with you when you learn to fall in love with yourself. And yes, trust the healing process. It will take time but it will get better.
But every day remind yourself that it truly doesn't matter if they realise your true value or not, the real question is do YOU know your value?